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So I just had a video recorded this morning about feeling as if I'm empty and lost and scared and unsatisfied after any sort of task or race or anything that needs to get done or anything I like doing, like sex. It doesn’t matter how I feel about the thing it’s like everything and it's annoying. after it’s done, the feeling is that I need something more. The feeling gets worse the bigger the high from the job and the feeling gets worse in the evening as my tasks are done and I’m confronted with… am I doing enough?
I know I'm not alone.
It's as if I can’t finish one thing and just be happy for a minute with a job well done.
This rush, I noticed to be attached to my strong, masculine spirit, and potentially my Aries proclivities. But because I don’t research astrology too much all I can say is that I accept that it’s within me and my goal is to learn how to use it. I've also learned that picking apart the reason and cause often poisons my power to use it as a strength, so I like acceptance.
But anyway what I’m noticing with my experiences of racing and going through the downtime afterwards and needing more, is that it’s no different from finishing my taxes, and realizing that I don’t have anything left to do except to be with myself. I find myself in fear, but I don’t fear being alone with my thoughts, it’s a different fear, I love my thoughts.
It’s in this moment after a race I don’t fear being with my self instead, it’s that I fear if I am not doing enough for myself.
This fear has a few things to notice. First, I notice it to be a very self-centered thought and that the solution to this part of the problem is going to be easy . The thing is that this issue is so very subtle that it drives every decision, micro and macro, even in my thought life. It fucks with my psyche and in this way this damn issue is also a contributor to my ADD and my depression and rage. And here’s how.
As I am about to finish a subject, I’m already onto the next, and that way I protect myself against the gap of time in which I am alone with myself, guilty, feeling as if I’m not doing enough.
It’s in that moment, that my thoughts, and everything that I’ve learned or grown from, does not have time to consolidate because my stress has blocked my brains, and body's, ability to recover.
If this is the case, then how much so is this the case in athletic and business, relational and related to general human performance?
How much more energy and satisfaction can I have for my next task if I take a moment between my last and recover from it.
For those of you who know the mechanics of swimming, the most important part of a stroke is actually arguably not the pull and not the catch, but the recovery. If my mind is sat on the catch of the stroke, the next action, then how am I going to get the most out of the moment of recovery before my next stroke? In a sense because I can't enjoy the moment of recovery, I'm actually impacting my next stroke, negatively... and I can't be having that.
The message is simple here and the solution is simple.
I got to slow down after I complete something and then because of the selfish nature, I’ve got a look at what the task is that I just completed and do an inventory. I can ask myself, for instance, "can I use this experience in anyway to give back to others and help the world be a better place," and doing so I’ve added strength to my experience or whatever I’ve learned or the race that I completed and I am no longer the center. It's nice feeling like I'm not the center.
A little side note related to satisfaction, if I don't get it under control then It also contributes to my depression. Simply put, I don’t feel like I’ve done enough, then I feel guilty and I feel ashamed and I feel like I’m just not good enough and I just can’t do it. That’s where my head goes when I’m alone with nothing to do and a race just completed.
Another beautiful thing that happens when I take a moment after the race or task or afternoon delight, is that I typically find a place of peace where I thought I’d have anxiety. And I know this will help me live longer and it also makes life more exciting and less reactive. I love these types of surprises in life more than anything. It’s like a box of chocolates and I’m all about making Life a big huge box of chocolates that I look forward to upon waking up.
3 Tasks to overcome the question, Do I do enough?
familiarize with the feminine through yoga (explore kundalini... I hate kundalini lol)
Always take a break, between workout sets, work tasks, eating, everything, just slow Down
Use that break to think about how my last task of experience can help others and let that guide my next action.